Discomfort
Discomfort is often treated like boredom—something to be avoided. Yet discomfort is an important part of learning, connecting with others, and being fully alive in the world.
I distinguish discomfort from things that compromise safety and health (physical, mental, or spiritual). That said, it’s subjective whether someone experiences something as mildly uncomfortable or dangerously harmful. There is wide variance of definition and experiential knowledge along a continuum of comfort <—> discomfort and discomfort <—> danger. (We could have some lovely Venn Diagrams conversations!)
Universal understanding of what constitutes discomfort is not a goal. What’s important is that we talk about discomfort, allow it to be messy and complicated, and release expectations of comfort as an ideal state of being. If we are comfortable all the time, we likely aren’t taking many risks to learn, grow, and connect with others.
Just as boredom is a between space that is nothing in and of itself--“Allowing boredom (and other feelings, too),” discomfort is also a between space of sorts. It signals something we are being nudged to notice, maybe a physical discomfort (when doing sit-ups or bicycling up a hill), an emotional discomfort (when our belief is different than those around us or we’re being asked to try something new or unknown), or a spiritual discomfort (when we learn something that makes us reflect on something we’ve done or when we feel scattered and disconnected).
It’s important that we talk about discomfort, allow it to be messy and complicated, and release expectations of comfort as an ideal state of being.
What do we do when we feel a nudge of discomfort? Do we open up to its opportunities for reflection and growth? Do we pretend it’s not there, tell an overly positive story about it, or gloss over it? Do we avoid it by leaving a context where we feel discomfort to go to a more comfortable place? Do we get upset at the person/context that triggered our initial discomfort and focus our attention on blame rather than hold curiosity about what’s going on inside us?
There is no right way to be with discomfort. Sometimes we feel supported to stay present with it and sometimes we don’t. The important thing is to notice when we feel discomfort. Without judgment. Expanding our awareness about the many ways discomfort emerges for us is what’s essential.
Yet noticing for discomfort and expanding our awareness of it, although necessary, is not sufficient. We need to cultivate a culture that not only embraces discomfort, but also encourages opportunities for discomfort, supports individuals to sit with and process discomfort, and recognizes the role discomfort plays in collective healing. We need to nurture ourselves and our spaces to grow in healthy ways from discomfort.
One of the reasons this is a challenge is because our systems, policies, and discourses don’t have root structures that allow for much difference, disagreement, dissonance, multiple truths, perspective, intuition, or unknowing. Our systems themselves don’t do very well with discomfort.
Thus, it’s important for us to do the rigorous (and often uncomfortable) work to understand the root structures of a system and take care to design holistically for what can deeply nurture and sustain discomfort (and other feelings) for the long term.
How do we design for spaces that allow and nurture discomfort?
For schools, organizations, and learning spaces:
Examine all messages that are being sent about any “right” to comfort
Examine all messages that are being sent about discomfort (Is it to be managed? Shifted? Avoided? Is it always linked to danger or harm?)
Examine all messages that are being sent about feelings (Are some feelings considered more ideal than others? How/when are feelings individualized or collectivized? In what ways is the word “feelings” being defined?)
Notice for current opportunities for children and educators to talk about their feelings (Is SEL separated from other content? Are there prescribed protocols or methods for talking about feelings? How much time per day/where is the space for being a whole-feeling person?)
Arrange for staff professional development about discomfort (What do educators think/feel about it? When do they arrange for it or avoid it in their classes? What messages do they receive from others about children’s need for comfort? What opportunities and risks do they feel around it?)
Create a safe and nurturing culture for educators to critique, debate, disagree, and feel discomfort when talking about things they’d like change/keep about how learning operates with children, families, and staff
Find specific things to release or remove (posters/images, chants/common phrases, behavior systems, reward/consequence discourse, feeling management systems, other things that send messages counter to nurturing discomfort)
Find small opportunities for more open-ended conversations with children (that allow for all feelings, are embedded into all learning, invite disagreement and difference, nurture safety and health in discomfort, encourage holistic beingness)
For ourselves and our families:
Notice when you are okay with feelings of discomfort and when you aren’t
Ask others in your family or close circles what they feel/think about discomfort; examine tacit assumptions that you and others around you hold
Take note of your patterns around discomfort and wonder about them (When do you engage? When do you leave? When do you gloss over?)
Notice for how you talk/engage with children in your life when they feel discomfort (Do you give it a positive spin? Do you try to solve it for them? Do you curate experiences so they avoid feeling it? Do you allow them to feel anything and let yourself listen?)
Reflect on the (mixed) messages children in your life hear about discomfort from adults, peers, media, other; ask children to talk about what they hear
Notice for when you have strong like-dislike, right-wrong, good-bad feelings; let yourself feel into the discomfort of your dis/agreement; find ways to open up to wonder and not-knowing
Notice for current opportunities you have with your family/friends to talk about uncomfortable topics; reflect on what makes these feel safe and healthy (or not)
Reflect on the ways you nurture yourself with compassion, rest, reflection, and renewal; note how your self-care connects with your acceptance of discomfort
Find a time (if you don’t already) to sit quietly and feel into feelings of discomfort; be curious about them; let them be and reveal wisdom to you
Notice for moments of self-judgment and practice acceptance, grace, and trust of yourself (if you have children near, be explicit about this so they know/hear you practice self-love)
Reach out if you’d like to chat about holistic learning design that nurtures children and adults to feel, express, and process discomfort.
