Release yourself from "if, then"
If, then. These two small words when used in combination are a sturdy and pervasive logic tool that, often without realizing it, frames how we live our lives. When we learn to notice for these words, we can see how their logic shows up in our minds, our relationships, our work, and with children. When we see this, we can release this logic and more be more fully alive and present in our lives.
Let’s start with an exercise. Make a list of when you have said (or thought) anything similar to the sentence frames listed here to the right. Take some time to reflect on your list.
Odds are, your list is long. And once you start noticing for this language-logic, you’ll find that your list gets longer.
This conditional logic runs deeply through our mainstream (commercial) culture and is foundational infrastructure in most of our schools: If you read this many books, then you get __. If you complete the assignment, then you can __. If you behave this way, then you __. If you don’t behave this way, then you __.
If you do a deep (and maybe unpleasant) exploration of yourself, you’ll likely find its infrastructure in your mind, too: If I lose this much weight, then __. If I could be more like that, then __. If I had more of this, then __.
When we think about extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation, we often think about it in terms of receiving a tangible prize/grade/treat vs. not receiving anything. But this is only one marker when noticing for motivations. The logic structure of extrinsic motivation is if, then. It frames the motivation for doing __ as a means to get __. It is conditional. It makes the value of what you are doing, and often the value you see in who you are, conditional upon something else.
This is old thinking, and we don’t need to embrace it in our lives or invite our children into it. We can be free. Your value is not conditional. You are not more worthy because you stayed on the treadmill for 30 minutes or cleared your inbox by 5pm. You are not a better person because you packed your children’s lunches and you are not a worse person because you forgot. Your child is not smarter or more advanced because they read 30 books and someone else read 3. The students who followed “the rules” are not more deserving than anyone else.
Here’s some lovely news… as we stop using the words if-then, we slowly dissolve the logic of conditionality in our lives (and the lives of others around us). It’s a small shift and you can practice it the next time you speak (or think) about anything.
Try it. Simply notice for the words if, then anytime you speak or think. When they show up, pause, and play around with re-stating what you want, but without those two words. (See examples below.) It requires some practice and you’ll find that you need lots of self-reflection about your deeper purposes and need to have longer conversations with others (especially children) about the rationale for doing/not doing certain things.
Let it be playful. Let it be light. Let it feel like a release into your own freedom and liberation.
Notice when you may have thought or said the following:
To yourself—
If I do __ , then I can have __.
If I finish __, then I can __.
If I say __, then they will __.
If I could __, then I would finally __.
If only __, then __.
To others—
If you finish __, then you can __.
If you do __ for me, then we can __.
If you learn __, then you’ll __.
If you eat __, then you can eat __.
If we accomplish __, then __.
Please reach out if you’re interested in:
1:1 coaching to notice for, and release, if-then logic in your life and/or your children’s lives;
consultation to help you re-imagine your school/organization’s frames for learning motivation.
Shifting from conditional to unconditional language-logic:
When talking with your child…
Instead of:
“If you let me finish this work call in peace, then we can play a game together.”
Try this:
“I want to finish this work call in peace because it’s important to me. When I’m done we can play a game together because that’s important, too.”
Playing the game together won’t happen because your child let you have some quiet, it will happen because you want to play a game with your child. The togetherness is for its own sake, not tied to some condition. Your child will learn how they are worthy of time together no matter what.
When talking to yourself…
Instead of:
“If I work on this for 3 hours (or finish __) then I will have been ‘productive.’”
Try this:
As you sit down to work, connect with the deeper values of the work, how the work connects you with others, why it matters. Or, connect with the money it is bringing in and how that brings beauty, health, and wellbeing to you and the people you love. When you’re done, pause to be grateful for the time you invested. Notice what you gave and what you received.
Grow your awareness for the value of the work itself and you showing up for the work. This is about presence and honoring how you are showing up for life. When you do something only as a means to an end, you miss the whole of what it is and might be. You miss surprises and joy. If you notice yourself thinking you didn’t “do” enough or weren’t “productive” enough, forgive yourself and send yourself love. If you can’t find any value in what you are doing and the only motivation you can find is to be done, listen to this. You might be ready to find new ways to work in the world.
When talking with students…
Instead of:
“If you work hard and complete your report, then you can go outside and play.”
Try this:
“Right now we are focusing our attention on our reports. We will dig deeply into our questions and think about why we are practicing how to write a report. Why does this matter? What are you learning? How does it feel when you’re practicing?”
Each moment in a classroom is worthy of its own presence and appreciation. Sure, some things will feel harder than others and students won’t enjoy everything equally. But, we all can learn to value learning for its own sake and what it means to connect fully as ourselves while learning. There is now and there will be later (showing a schedule is fine), but we aren’t learning now in order to get to later. There is no condition. There is value in learning how to write a report and there is value in learning how to play with others outside. Try not to frame one aspect of learning as a condition of another. Try not to frame something as “work” and something else as “play,” or something as “hard” and something else as “fun.” There is play in everything. We can find hard and fun and joy and rigor in everything. Support students to see the value of being present in each moment of learning.
