Allowing boredom (and other feelings, too)
I have been interested in boredom for over two decades. I think about it, read about it, talk with others about it, but most of what I know about boredom comes from my practice within its space, including my practice of noticing and talking with children.
In this moment amidst Covid-19 and its effects, many people are not thinking about boredom—they are inside life-death situations, taking care of people who are sick, working long hours to serve others food, medical supplies, and other necessities. Others are working from home with business-as-usual schedules.
However, some people are finding themselves not only thinking about boredom, but also feeling boredom, maybe for the first time in a long while. And many are observing their children experience something that might be called “boredom” or hearing the words “I’m bored” too many times to count. Thus, I want to share some thoughts about boredom in the hope they might be helpful, especially for those caring for children in this challenging time.
To me, boredom is a between space—a space of being and feeling. You can avoid it altogether, you can move out of it quickly if you enter it, or you can choose to stay inside it for a while. Learning to stay inside “boredom” takes practice. It is a surrender of sorts, an allowing of nothingness, being inside a space of not-knowing.
Lots of what is written about boredom, including other things I have written, is about the benefits of boredom—boredom as an essential space for creative expression and being. I continue to encourage people to allow themselves (and their children) to practice being with/inside boredom without avoiding it or moving out of it too soon.
That said, there is another layer to boredom that is especially important for us to consider right now. It is this: Boredom is nothing in and of itself. It is only a space that reveals other feelings.
Right now, we all have many feelings—shifts of energy, hope next to fear, aloneness next to togetherness, contradictions, surprise—feelings we might not be able to name with words, feelings that might cause us to use a word like “boredom” because we’re not sure how we feel.
Thus, as we learn to allow boredom for ourselves and our children, we need to also learn to allow all of the underlying feelings that come with it. Here are a few layers and shades of feelings I’ve noticed over the years from both children and adults when they say “I’m bored”:
I don’t know what to do. - I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. - I’m tired. - I’m hungry. - I want to talk. - I want to be in control. - I don’t want to be in control. - I sense the unease of others. - I want to help. - I need help. - I’m sad. - I want to go someplace else. - I need a hug. - I want to cuddle. - I need stillness. - I don’t want to play with __. - I wish I had __. - I want to be by myself. - I don’t want to be by myself. - This is too hard. - This is too easy. - __ is better at this than me. - I don’t know how to do __. - I’m frustrated. - I don’t like this [book, material, activity, __]. - I am angry. - I need to yell and make noise. - I am restless. - I need movement. - I need silence. - I’m scared. - I am uneasy. - I don’t know how I feel. – I don’t like how I feel, and I want it to stop. - I need to just be. - I don’t know how to just be.
How do we allow for the myriad layers of feelings underneath what might be called “boredom”? It begins with noticing. With noticing, grows awareness. And this allows for (or is) grace. Allowing ourselves to be. Allowing our children to be. Allowing whatever is present now, including all of the feelings. We slow down and notice the small things all around us.
If you’re someone who likes concrete examples, here are a few offerings for how you might allow more space for boredom and other feelings, too:
Boredom is nothing in and of itself. It is only a space that reveals other feelings.
In caring for children:
· If/when children say, “I’m bored,” invite them to tell you more. If they don’t have words to tell you more, ask them to draw a picture that shows what it feels like.
· When children say a name for a feeling they have, invite them to unravel the name and allow it to be messier. For example, if a child says, “I’m sad,” you might say, “Hmm. Okay. What does it look like? How does it move? What other words tell about it? How does it sound?”—any question or prompt that loosens up the feeling so it can become less fixed or known.
· Encourage drawing, dancing, playing music, molding clay, or any kind of expression of feelings outside of words.
· Encourage play with blocks, cardboard, nature, or other open-ended materials to allow children to create and make sense of their thoughts and feelings; this will also help you learn how they are processing things they hear/see.
· Ask children to imagine how animals and nature are feeling. “How do you think the ants feel about this?” “What do you think the dogs feel about their walks with physical distance?” “Do you think the trees talk about what is happening?” “How would you feel right now if you were a fish in the ocean?” Pretending and imagining is a beautifully safe space for children to intuit and empathize as a way to make sense of things. Your careful listening will help you learn more about your child’s inner world and understandings.
· Remember, you don’t need to “solve” a feeling. If your children say they feel “sad” or “scared” or “mad,” resist your urge to fix it. There is no problem. Just be there and listen; allow children to talk, move, draw to unravel the density of the feeling, embrace its fullness so it can release.
In caring for yourself:
· Think about the last time you thought, “I’m bored.” Make a list of the feelings that may have been present underneath the words. Accept that you have those feelings. Don’t try to fix them.
· Each time you notice a feeling in yourself, instead of naming it or telling a story about it, smile at it, feel it fully, notice its color/shape/essence, breathe into it, and let it float away. The feeling isn’t you.
· The next time you feel “boredom,” sit with it a bit longer than you have before; allow yourself to be present with the nothingness of the moment; if your mind thinks of things to do, notice the thoughts, let them be and float away; just be still.
· Delight in small things all around you every day, especially in moments when you think/feel there is nothing happening, or you don’t like what is happening.
Resources for children:
In episode 1646 of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Fred Rogers shows how to draw music. This is a great way for children to practice drawing more abstract things like sounds and feelings, too.
Here and Now by Julia Denos, illustrated by E.B. Goodale.
All in a Day by Cynthia Rylant, illustrated by Nikki McClure.
Fred’s Big Feelings: The Life and Legacy of Mister Rogers by Laura Renauld, illustrated by Brigette Barrager.
Everybody Needs A Rock by Byrd Baylor, illustrated by Peter Parnall.
Resources for you:
Austin Kleon has a blog that I follow. Here’s a post on boredom, “Boredom is a pit stop.”
My favorite book on boredom is Mark Hawkins’ The Power of Boredom.
In this episode of Living the Questions / On Being, Krista Tippett shares scrumptious ideas in response to the question: What is the value of boredom in our lives?
And a poem: Keeping Quiet by Pablo Neruda.
Thank you for being you.
With love and light,
melissa
Melissa A. Butler writes for children and adults. She speaks, facilitates workshops, and consults around practices to help others slow down to notice and wonder about small things. www.noticingmatters.com